come to jesus

Disclaimer: This is what happens when I get 10+ hours of sleep.

Last night I got up on my soap box and started talking to one of my residents about relationships. I believe she said something like "I want a boyfriend." I responded with "no, you don't." Then I went off on some tangent about how everyone thinks that if they're in some sort of relationship, everything will be ideal, and it will complete them. Happiness until death, the end. And that's just not the case.

As I was walking to class today, I verbalized this entry in my head.

If you know me at all, you would know that when it comes to relationships, I definitely have no room to preach to anyone about successful and healthy relationships. I think it's a common disease that most people have: they are able to preach to others about what the right thing to do in their situation would be (i.e. dump him! he's an asshole, you deserve better. don't have sex until after 6 months...) but when it comes down to their own issues, they have problems abiding by their own rules that they set for everyone else. I'm just throwing this out there right now, I'm not claiming, by any means, that I take my own advice. But I should, and you should too.

So, as I was talking to this resident/friend (one who has never had a boyfriend before, waiting for a first kiss etc etc.) I go off on some tangent about how, if you're looking for a boyfriend, you should date someone who you have already established a strong friendship with. SO MANY TIMES, you meet someone, it's an instant attraction, and you are captured by the feelings and the moments that you get caught up, and you essentially start a relationship with someone you don't know. This is idealistic for a number of reasons, number one: during the first weeks of dating, you are getting to know each other. If you find out that person A loves jujubees and person B (AKA YOU) loves jujubees you're like holy fuck! it is meant to be! So basically, what you've established is a strong lustful attraction for each other and a mutual taste for jujubees, great.

Eventually, person A is going to find out/see for themselves your collection of 3,445 Beanie Babies that you have set up pyramid-style on your bed. Then there will be the really rare ones, like the purple one or something, that you don't feel comfortable sleeping with, and those will be set up in there plastic cases on your window sill staring at you as you sleep among the rest of the 3,445. Person A, upon meeting you, probably had no idea that you were a compulsive Beanie Baby hoarder. You are already dating this person. You might be having sex. Or at least giving each other hand jobs, and now that you're outed as a freak, person A has doubts about your relationship.

If person A and person B had been good friends before dating, person A probably would have known about the Beanie Baby fetish, dealt with it, and gone through with the dating anyway. If person A had a problem with the Beanie Baby thing, obviously a relationship would have never blossomed. So, as you can see, by being good friends with your dating partner before the blossoming of a relationship can be a good idea.

Of course, beanies babies can be metaphors for many different things. Cutting. Passive aggressive behavior. An unhealthy obsession with Bono. Preference for blue raspberry slushies. Jagged toenails. The possibilities are endless.

So basically, here is your pickle. You're having sex with someone who hoards Beanie Babies. How to get out of this situation. Person A, starts backing away...person B is offended. They have a Come to Jesus conversation:

"but but....you've seen me naked!"
"it's just not going to work out..we're too different, i haven't fallen in love with you yet."
"i just don't understand how we were naked together yesterday and just because you saw my beanie babies all of a sudden our mutual nudity meant nothing to you!"
"i just can't be that for you anymore. i thought i could but i was wrong."

Person B feels a compulsion to try to change for person A. It baffles person B that things could have been perfect 10 hours before, but now they can't help but feel inadequate and used. There is a need for justification of self. Person B cuts the Beanie Baby stash in half. Maybe stocks a few under the bed now. Person A has moment of weakness, person B feels temporarily validated but a few days later, they still have the same conversation over again.

Person B is just fucked.

So, friends, make sure you KNOW the person you're dating before you agree to a relationship with them. Someone isn't just going to knock on your dorm room door one day and be like tada! we're in love! It just doesn't work that way. Being in a healthy relationship (if one exists) is something that takes a long time and a lot of work. The same goes for falling in love with someone. This is built upon a lot of work, sacrifice and time. You can't rush into it. You're not going to know instantly.

And I'm not going to assume that all relationships are going to be spawned from healthy friendships from here on out just because I wrote a blog entry on Beanie Babies. All of the relationships I've ever had have not come out of stable friendships. They have spawned from random meetings and lustful feelings. And I'm not guaranteeing that it's not going to happen again, or that person B will have learned from his/her mistakes. I'm just throwing it out there.

Relationships are hard work, and they're not always fun. You aren't going to be happy all of the time. I would say 85% of the people I know who are married or in long term relationships are miserable more than they are happy. They fight more than they love. Their relationship still exists because they are afraid to go it alone. I can only imagine what it would feel like to be alone after the companionship of a long-term serious relationship. But that's no reason to extend your stay in Shitville.

There are always going to be defensive women who feel threatened. There is always going to be one person who needs more sex than the other and is offended when they don't get it. There will always be a need to validate one another.

I think that, essentially, all people ever want out of any sort of relationship they have is validation. Some sort of sign that the choices they have made with their life aren't all a joke. Validation is needed in friendships, in jobs, in school, and most importantly, in relationships.

/End soap box rant.